Missing the possiblity of a future

It's not that I despise dating. I dont. I really dont. It's just that I miss that "anything can happen" feeling. It used to be that I would meet someone new and :snap: just like that, everything in my past. All the heartache. All the indifference was gone. I didn't assume that he would do the things that those before him did. My motto was "no one has ever actually died from heart break...". But, I'm not so sure that's the case. I'm not sure that a piece of you doesn't die every time your heart is broken.
Don't get me wrong. I dont think that getting dumped or being rejected counts as heartbreak. I'm talking real, genuine, bottom of the whiskey glass, mascara on the pillow case, heart break. I think that may be something that takes a part of you and holds it for ransom. Holds it, playing a game of car and mouse. Taunting you all along singing kindergarten rymes of "you think i'm gone but I'm not." in the back of your mind.
I've had my heart broken. It's amazing that more of my heart is broken than I ever thought I had given. The times, the laughter, the tears. The lazy days in bed praying that the baby didn't wake up from his nap to soon because it was so nice to just lay there. These memories just wont go away.Why won't they go away? Why can't I just be done. It's been a year. A whole year.
I would love to say that it's as easy as just not letting go... but it's not. I've dated. I've been happy since him. I've smiled and thought "wow, I'm a lucky girl." But in the end, it all comes back to him. It comes back to the life that I had... we had. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't easy. It was hard. It was exhausting. It took every ounce of me that I had offered up. I gave it all.
I guess my all wasn't enough. I guess he needed my all and her all too.
I miss and long for that feeling of possibility. I want something where I think "maybe". I want someone that I pray for at night. Someone to be my best friend, as I seem to be running short on those lately.
Anyway... okay. That's my feeling sorry for myself blog of the month.
It's 10pm. I need my beauty rest. LOL! Actually, the munchkin is asleep on my right arm and I need to get him to bed. So hopefully my next entry will be more upbeat. Sorry guys.