Missing the possiblity of a future

It's not that I despise dating. I dont. I really dont. It's just that I miss that "anything can happen" feeling. It used to be that I would meet someone new and :snap: just like that, everything in my past. All the heartache. All the indifference was gone. I didn't assume that he would do the things that those before him did. My motto was "no one has ever actually died from heart break...". But, I'm not so sure that's the case. I'm not sure that a piece of you doesn't die every time your heart is broken.
Don't get me wrong. I dont think that getting dumped or being rejected counts as heartbreak. I'm talking real, genuine, bottom of the whiskey glass, mascara on the pillow case, heart break. I think that may be something that takes a part of you and holds it for ransom. Holds it, playing a game of car and mouse. Taunting you all along singing kindergarten rymes of "you think i'm gone but I'm not." in the back of your mind.
I've had my heart broken. It's amazing that more of my heart is broken than I ever thought I had given. The times, the laughter, the tears. The lazy days in bed praying that the baby didn't wake up from his nap to soon because it was so nice to just lay there. These memories just wont go away.Why won't they go away? Why can't I just be done. It's been a year. A whole year.
I would love to say that it's as easy as just not letting go... but it's not. I've dated. I've been happy since him. I've smiled and thought "wow, I'm a lucky girl." But in the end, it all comes back to him. It comes back to the life that I had... we had. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't easy. It was hard. It was exhausting. It took every ounce of me that I had offered up. I gave it all.
I guess my all wasn't enough. I guess he needed my all and her all too.
I miss and long for that feeling of possibility. I want something where I think "maybe". I want someone that I pray for at night. Someone to be my best friend, as I seem to be running short on those lately.
Anyway... okay. That's my feeling sorry for myself blog of the month.
It's 10pm. I need my beauty rest. LOL! Actually, the munchkin is asleep on my right arm and I need to get him to bed. So hopefully my next entry will be more upbeat. Sorry guys.

Thursday's

Why do Thursday's always suck? I know that everyone hates Monday but atleast Monday knows it's place. It's Monday, it sucks, no one likes it. It was avoided like the black plague on the playground and was forced into a life of grasping on to it's own red swingline stapler. But Thursday. No, Thursday thinks that it's bad ass. It's like, "Hey! Look at me. I'm awesome! See my hot-ass 2nd cousin over there? Yea, her name is Friday. Bet you want that eh? Well, you gotta get through me to get to that."
No, you shut up Thursday! You suck. Allow me to put you in your place. Your not even as cool as Wednesday which is one day closer to Monday than you are because well, atleast Wednesday is HALF WAY. You... your just the day standing in my way to the gloriousness that is Friday afternoon.
Thursday, you are nothing to me. You are the day that Larry, Curly, and Mo choose to conference calls that go on for hours on end when they could be summed up in the three second phrase "The economy sucks. No one is buying designer bags." Yep. There's our strategical finance reporting system. It sucks. :)
Okay, on a lighter note.
There is a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER living in our storage barn behind the house. HUGE! It sucks and I need a big strong man to come and kill it. OH WAIT, that's right. I'm single. I have no big strong man. Grr. So I'm having to leave work at 5pm to get home while it's still daylight enough to dig around in this damn barn without being bit by some African Jungle Spider. I need to get in there to get the Halloween decoration box. Gah.
Being single sucks.
Usually I am all "I'm okay with it' but no, not in instances like this. THIS is what I need a man for. THIS is when it matters. A man to kill things that I'm afraid of.
Okay well I guess my 'lunch' is over. Funny seeing as how I didn't eat and didn't even leave my desk but back to the wonderful world of fashion I go.

09/22/08

Ugh, it's been a baaaad day. Work was a total pain in the ass! As soon as I got in our wireless router went down. I have no IT training, at all, but since Im good with computers I must know what I'm doing right? No! None the less, I spent four hours under my desk ass in the air unplugging and replugging shit. BECAUSE THATS ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! But go figure, it worked so I'm the freaking hero. I can hardly wait until it goes out again. :(
I feel like logging on to adultswim.com and playing '5min to kill yourself'. lol!
It's just been a bad day all the way around.
BUT, the Heroes premier was tonight. That was pretty cool. I have this odd attraction to Syler. It's a little scary. LOL Maybe that's why I like him... he's a little scary. I've never been one to bet on anything safe.
Lately I've been hovering somewhere between enjoying my new found single stability and feeling incredibly lonely. CJ came to visit Nolan the week before last. Oddly enough it made me think about Robbie. I mean, Rob was the one who 'saved' me from all the bad things CJ did to our family. He was my knight in shining armor. I remember how unhappy I was at the end but I also remember how happy I was at the begining. The two thoughts are at total odds and are toying with my emotions.
I'm over Robbie. I wouldn't go back to Arizona given the opportunity but I miss the life I had. I miss the ease that came with being a family... two incomes... I miss the stability.
Ugh, okay.. the Terazapam is kicking in. Gonna go check the 'little island' before I doze off. I think that everyone is in a Heroes induced coma... lol...
G'night.. I'll try to make more sense next time. :)

One for one...

So, here goes nothing. If anyone even reads this it will be because they have just stumbled across it and could somehow relate.
A little about me. Well, if you haven't yet looked at my profile I'm 27 year old business professional and single mom.
This blog isn't going to change the world, hell it probably won't even change your opinion but it will give you insight into my life and give me a place to just vent. So, an American literary classic its not.
My grammer won't always be correct... my spelling not much better but you will see the real me.
This blog isn't going to be some big bitch session about the struggles of being a single mom. I'm sure it will come up but really there is nothing off limits.
One day I may write for hours about Lost (my favorite TV show) the next it may be about my work in the fashion industry. You just never know.